Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Then I spotted two employees...
Travel Jokes
Make traveling fun with these funny travel jokes.
Cancellations and delays can put a damper on travel. Lighten up with these travel jokes and travel puns!
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Airport Chocolate
Q: What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
A: Plane Chocolate
Q: What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
A: Plane Chocolate
State Pride
Q. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?
A. Mini-soda!
Q. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks?
A. Mini-soda!
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World stamp
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.
Thumb World Traveler
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
I wonder how many miles I've scrolled with my thumb.
Traveling Librarian
Q: Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?
A: Because it was overbooked.
Q: Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane?
A: Because it was overbooked.
Travel riddle
Q: What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves?
A: The road!
Q: What goes through towns, up hills, and down hills but never moves?
A: The road!
Bad Driver
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my satnav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."
I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my satnav said, "In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out."
Time travelers
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
Cross-Track Team
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Airport carpool
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Bacon in space
When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!
When will pigs fly? When we launch them to mars for the astronauts to have bacon!
Old and new travels
Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
Young riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction and go.
Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Bonnie McFarlane
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane
What An Ugly Duck…
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
Katie O’Connell, Warrenville, Illinois
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds....
Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
Bloody Good Question
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have
a huge clock right in the middle
of the town.
Jimmy Kimmel
How Russian Tour Guides See America
Here’s a guide to American
culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books:
“Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly as an equal and not as a lady.”
“As a rule, the [social] invitation will be only on a weekend, and you don’t have to prepare for something extravagant. Everything is the same as ours, only with far less booze.”
“‘See you later’ should not be taken literally. That is a courtesy,
and no more.”
Source: Mental Floss
Here’s a guide to American culture for Russians visiting the U.S., straight from Russian tour books: “Women play a greater role in business. Often they insist to be treated exactly...
Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
The Smell of Delta
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”
“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer
“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge
“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King
“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali
“Mist Connection” —Cary Berkowitz
“The 99 Per-scent” —Julia Flagg
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the...
Hotel Time-Travel
A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Comedian Rich Hall
A hotel minibar allows you to
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.
Comedian Rich Hall
Baggage Claim Karma
As I waited for my luggage
at the airport, a man lifted my
suitcase off the baggage carousel.
“Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s
my suitcase.”
The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!”
C. S., via Internet
As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel. “Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s my suitcase.” The man shot back defensively,...
Demetri Martin's Summer Plans
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them.
Demetri Martin
This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them.
Demetri Martin
Lifeguards vs. Life Coaches
L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.
Craig Ferguson
L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you...
Planedemonium
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane...
No Emergency Exits, Thanks
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I
explained, “The last time someone
gave me wings, I had to jump
out of the airplane.”
Col. David Jessop (Ret.),
Rineyville, Kentucky
The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the...
Drumming Up A Reason
A man vacations on a tropical
island, and the first thing he hears
is drums. He goes to the beach
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.
“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”
A man vacations on a tropical island, and the first thing he hears is drums. He goes to the beach and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the...
More Funny Hashtags:
#UnlikelySequels: Titanic 2
@davidschneider
#failedchildrensbooktitles: The Very Hungry Tape Worm
@Made_Dad
#nicerfilmtitles: Snacks on a Plane
@elfiem
#UnlikelySequels: Titanic 2
@davidschneider
#failedchildrensbooktitles: The Very Hungry Tape Worm
@Made_Dad
#nicerfilmtitles: Snacks on a Plane
@elfiem
St. George and the Dragon
A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. "Could you give a poor man something to eat?" asks the tramp.
"No!" yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. "Now what do you want?" the woman asks.
"Could I have a few words with George?"
A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the...
Comic Conductor
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent.
"I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is we lost power." My fellow passengers groaned.
"The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet."
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent. “I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.”...
Perfect Timing
On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have...
Airplane Confusion
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.
Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: "We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time."
A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate....
Win-Win
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99," she said "But there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver," she said.
I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson...